Indra marched into the kitchen, battling the demons rampaging through her system, trying to hold herself together. A haze of smoke hung in the air, testament to dinner burning. Snatching open the oven, she grabbed a pot holder, all the while listening for the front door to close behind Lorcan. Hearing the distinctive click of the latch just as she pulled the pan out of the oven, she let herself go.
Cursing a blue streak usually released some of her tension, but this time, even when coupled with violently tossing the sizzling pan into the sink, it didn't really help.
So she cursed some more, until she caught a flicker of movement in her periphery and spun around.
"Lorcan. I told you to leave."
He shook his head, his blue gaze so intent she couldn't look away. '"It didn't feel right to leave a friend at a time like this."
She wanted to tell him they weren't friends, that she didn't want him there, but what came out was '"You can't be here right now. I'm too angry."
He was silent for a moment, his gaze searching hers, as though looking for an indefinable something that would tell him whether he should listen to her or not.
"What does that mean, Indra? Too angry? Explain it to me."
Oh, she wanted to scream at him, to smash something. Throwing the pan into the sink didn't seem enough, but it was as far as she could go.
As far as she would allow herself to go with him there.
"Dammit, Lorcan. Please. Just go, before I do something we'll both regret."
"Like what?"
The sound that came from her throat was akin to a growl, and a band tightened across her chest.
"Lorcan, please." She was pleading with him and didn't care. The pressure building inside her was threatening to blow. '"Please, don't do this."
He moved then, reaching out to touch her cheek, his finger stroking lightly against her skin. '"I'm sorry, love, but I can't leave you like this, on your own, upset and battling with your anger. I care too much."
"You have to." She inhaled, the breath shuddering into her lungs. For the last month she'd longed to be with him, missed him desperately, and this was the last way she wanted him to see her—trembling with rage, barely hanging on to control. No doubt bringing back memories he'd thought he'd put aside. "You don't need my drama in your life."
His eyebrows lifted, and he tilted his head slightly, that warm blue gaze never leaving her face. '"Don't I get to choose?"
She lifted her hands to either side of her head, frustrated he couldn't—wouldn't—understand, then she let them drop so as to face him fully and ensure he would understand.
"I met your ex, and I recognized the person she is, because she's just like my mother. Manipulative and angry, and using that anger to control those around her. That's in me. That rage. I've seen it too many times not to know what it looks and feels like, and how it destroys everything—everyone—around it. Don't you see? I don't want that for you. You deserve better."
"Really?" He moved closer, that focused gaze never leaving hers, holding her effortlessly captive. '"What gives you the right to decide what's best for me?"
"Because I love you. I care about you and want you to be happy."
She hadn't realized what she was going to say, nor that she'd shout it, until the words seemed to echo in the silence that fell around them.
The spark that lit his eyes stole her breath all over again, but when he held out his arms, she shook her head.
"No, Lorcan. I can't trust myself. You can't trust me not to turn into my mother. Or Mae. I've never been in love before. I don't know what that will mean." Desperate to convince him now, she asked, '"Didn't you see them? My parents? They should never be in the same room with each other, much less have gotten married. But it wasn't always like that."
Dashing the tears from her eyes, she met his gaze once more. '"I remember, as a young child, that our home was peaceful, loving. I don't know what changed, so how do I know it won't happen to us?"
He laid a finger across her lips.
"Listen to me, darling. I know what you're afraid of because I've lived it too, but I don't see that in you, at all. We've worked closely together, spent time in different venues outside of work. I've never seen you try to be manipulative, or refuse to take responsibility for your actions or use your temper to browbeat anyone."
His words fired through her, giving her hope, but also making her more frightened than she'd ever been before in her life—making her heart race and her stomach twist.
Then Lorcan smiled and said, '"I love you too, but that doesn't mean everything will be perfect. Nor will love magically take away all our fears or character flaws. It also doesn't come with a manual. But if we're willing to trust, take care of and grow with each other, we can find a way, don't you think?"
How could she gamble that he was right? She'd spent so long telling herself she couldn't risk a relationship, didn't deserve one.
Yet…
It was there, in Lorcan's eyes. The clear belief they could make this work if they tried.
He'd been through so much, but was still willing to take a chance on her and the love and friendship they'd found together.
The first step she took was tentative.
Hesitant.
It felt like learning to walk again, or stepping into a darkened room, where you couldn't see where your feet would land, but you somehow knew the floor ahead was solid.
He was waiting for her and enfolded her in an embrace so strong and right, she never wanted it to end.
'"We can do this, Indra. We'll take it slow and work things out as we go along."
Somehow, she believed him, completely, and sighed in acceptance, her heart dancing in anticipation. He inhaled, his chest rising beneath her cheek, and she could hear the strong, swift pounding of his heart, racing in tandem with hers.
'"We'll take it a step at a time, until we're ready," he said with such assurance she had to lift her head to give him a questioning look.
'"Ready? For what?"
Lorcan smiled again. '"For whatever comes next."
Then, before she could ask any other questions, he was kissing her.
And he tasted like home.
*
To read more stories about the medical professionals at the Royal Kensington Hospital, don’t miss Christmas Miracle in Jamaica by Ann McIntosh, the first book in The Christmas Project miniseries from Mills & Boon Medical!
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